he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
