my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
