I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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