I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
