Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize