Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
