Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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