Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
