i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
