Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize