If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Your penis caused this!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
