I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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