Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
