Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
