yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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