Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
