You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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