he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
