Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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