my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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