when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
