If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
