If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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