My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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