you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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