my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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