just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize