You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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