dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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