I can't watch pbs sober anymore
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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