you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
