There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Are we still banned from the library?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
