The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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