btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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