he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
