Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
His nipple licking is glorious
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
