Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize