Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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