If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
