This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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