you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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