my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
