well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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