I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ketchup is God's man juice
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
