dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
