I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
