I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
