He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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