Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
