he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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