I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
