you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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