I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
