The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
