..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
