Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
