so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
time to smoke my breakfast
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
