I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
