Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
