my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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