Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
