Yo dont text me then not text me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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