I want to walk on stilts...naked
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
