So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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