you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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