i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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