I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
