Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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